Atari’s Consoles Unprecedented Lost Title(s)

In an unprecedented move today, the game company Unsimpatico NoPolitico (stock ticker: UNP, which investors claim stands for “Usually Not Profitable”) proudly unveiled Version 0.5 of its new “Retro Olympics” game—an homage to classic Atari visuals and the budget of a middle-school AV club. Naturally, it includes none of the fan-favorite events like track and field, diving, or anything requiring animation above six frames per second. Instead, players can enjoy such cutting-edge competitions as the Office Chair Stair Slalom, the 400-Meter Wet Linoleum Dash, and the show-stopping Pentathlon of Poor Decisions. In this grueling five-event disaster, athletes chase tin-foil, aluminum, and plastic medals by first completing the 100-meter Weighted Swim (featuring a stylish but unnecessary cinder block), followed by a 15-mile Marathon in Questionable Footwear while being pursued by emotionally unstable chihuahuas and dachshund puppies. The cinder block is later tossed into quicksand for distance—because physics left this project long ago. Survivors then tackle the Wheelchair Stair Jump, which is exactly what it sounds like and exactly why the legal department quit. The grand finale is the Eight-Lane Highway Tricycle-Thon, where competitors pedal valiantly through California traffic in a toy-store trike for three heroic laps.

Survivors then tackle the Wheelchair Stair Jump, which is exactly what it sounds like and exactly why the legal department quit.

Players can customize their avatars with an almost suspicious level of detail—height, hairstyle, sass level, aura, and even dreadlocks. There’s a preferred mode of questionable transportation such as square roller shoes or a suspiciously squeaky three wheel wagon. Funded entirely by taxpayers who also believe their smart fridge is spying on them, I’m wearing a tin foil hat even as I write, this masterpiece drops soon. Version 0.5 is rated M for “Maybe, I Don’t Think This is a Good Idea” and will be available for Xbox 720, Wii U and Mii 2, Play Station, Mac, PC, and of course, every mobile app store that has absolutely no screening process. Go reserve your copy today—before the FDA and CDC realize they got hood winked for the approval rating.

Unsimpatico NoPolitico insists that all events “embrace the Olympic spirit,” though critics argue it mostly embraces short to extended hospital visits and doctor copays. Still, the company is confident this new reimagined addition will propel Version 0.5 into the record books—mostly because no other game has dared to combine an aisle nine slip ‘n’ slide jousting tournament with a disco light shot put as a side quests.

Preorders have reportedly surged from hospital beds, emergency rooms, grocery stores and whole food marts around the country, though analysts suspect most customers believe they’re buying a 1990 grocery simulator after living with todays food pricing sticker shock. Either way, UNP calls the reaction “a resounding success,” proving once again that chaos, confusion, and shopping carts are a winning mix in modern gaming and grocery shopping.