Vodka Fed Plants Used To Make Lemonade – Rant

It’s been said your plants grow better when you talk to ’em. I always wondered if that was true… or just something Martha Stewart said once while crocheting a poncho in prison. Then I started thinking: What if plants really do respond to us?

Because that could be great…or it could be Little Shop of Horrors levels of terrible.
I don’t need a ficus screaming, “FEED ME SEYMOUR!” every time I walk past it with a Hot Pocket. But let’s take this from the plant’s perspective.

Imagine your owner waters you regularly. Their breath? Fresh. Clean. Like they just spent a whole afternoon in a Listerine commercial with that swoosh sound effect. So pure you’re begging them to never leave. You’re like, “YES, human! Breathe on me like Beyoncé opening a concert!”

But then there’s the other side. The dark timeline. The Zack Snyder cut of plant care. Your owner waters you, sure…but they also have halitosis. I mean DEFCON-1, radiation-level breath that makes Godzilla envious. The type of breath that feels like an offensive lineman slap to the face with extra garlic and trauma sprinkled on top.

As a plant, you’re thinking: “Yes, I’m getting water… but I’m also being interrogated by the CIA with halitosis waterboarding.” Their breath hits you like an acid shower straight out of Medusa’s morning routine.
This isn’t Clash of the Titans — this is Clash of the Gingivitis.

And people with bad breath? They always enunciate every syllable like they’re auditioning for Shakespearian theater:
“To. Be. Or. Not. To. Be.” Meanwhile the plant is screaming internally, “To. Leave. Or. Not. To. Leave.”

And as a plant, you can’t defend yourself. You can’t tell them: “Calm down, Karen, go chew on some parsley or mint before breathing your house of dragon breath on me!” There’s nothing you can do. You just wilt slowly like a TikTok influencer whose account got banned.

If plants could talk, they’d say: “Look, just water me and leave me the f%#k alone. Pardon my French, but I literally photosynthesize for a living — I don’t need your biological warfare on top of it.” And honestly, this is probably where the phrase “I need a breath of fresh air” came from. Some poor houseplant begging for mercy. So, good people: If your plants — or your pets — or even your FRIENDS — start wilting when you’re around…take the hint. If you’re offending photosynthetic organisms, that’s Mother Nature politely prescribing you a big ol’ dose of STFU and LEAVE.

A buddy of mine once told me, “When life gives you lemons, make vodka.” Great advice. Except he’s dead now and his liver is at the Bodies Exhibit right next to a piece of petrified wood. Inspirational guy. Anyway — life. Do the best with what you got.

People give too many excuses. If you’re overweight, don’t lean on “I’m big-boned” like it’s a Marvel origin story.
No — reinvent yourself. Become a food critic. Then when people look, it’s not, “Damn…” It’s, “Ooh, what a cultured palate you have!”

Suddenly the disgust transforms into admiration. People come up like, “Hey, what’s the best ramen spot in town?”
Boom. You’re legit. Just don’t ruin it by opening your mouth and talking nonsense — watch Food Network, learn some terminology, and keep that Gordon Ramsay energy on standby.

Now, other end of the spectrum…If you don’t like eating, people see you walking the beach in a bikini so thin you make a rake look like Fat Albert… don’t panic. Just tell them:

“I’m an actor — a method actor — playing a tragic antagonist in a Holocaust period film. I have to lose weight for the authenticity.” People love a politically correct explanation. It hypnotizes ’em. It’s like handing out mental pacifiers. Boom — peace restored. They get to feel enlightened. You get to keep sunbathing without someone trying to hand you a protein shake.

Now you may have noticed I’m throwing around some big words. Don’t worry, I didn’t get smarter. I just upgraded from “Speak & Spell” to “Speak & Flex.” The word of the day boosted my vocabulary like I installed a DLC expansion pack. But I can’t stand people who use fancy words just to flex intelligence and make you feel like a background character in your own life. Those people? Those “let me elevate myself while stepping on your ego” types?
Yeah — they deserve a little French. Like a nice “Ferme la bouche” with a side of “Allez-vous-en.”

So remember: When people laugh at you, talk down to you, or act superior — flip the script. Keep your head high.
Be proud. And always have a comeback ready. Because if plants can silently judge us…so can we.