Amazons Musk Has the Zuck Dancing

The world woke up this week to Jerome Powell once again com-splaining (a mixture of complaining and explaining) the economy like it’s a pizza slow-cooking in a brick oven we’re not allowed to check on yet. Over on Wall Street, Elon Musk fired off a late-night post that sent tech stocks wobbling like a Jenga tower during a Japanese earthquake, while Amazon CEO Andy Jassy calmly reminded investors that “efficiency” is still the vibe — which everyone translated as “cancel one streaming service and stop ordering garlic knots.” If you know you know. In sports, Jerry Jones assured Cowboys fans this is definitely their year now football season is over, a phrase now older than The Simpsons and the Ten Commandments.

Meanwhile, global leaders kept a straight face. The BBC had Rishi Sunak talking stability while inflation tap-danced like a drunk Jerry Lewis across grocery bills, and CNN featured Mark Zuckerberg promising AI will “enhance human connection,” while unplugging his wife, which sounded comforting right up until the part where your fridge starts asking for snacks and sending out your location. In pop culture, Taylor Swift released yet another version of something about the Dead Poet Society, which briefly stabilized markets, emotions, and possibly the Earth’s magnetic field, or was it belt? Hollywood also confirmed — again — that a reboot is coming, because if Dinosaurs running around naked can hit double digits, nostalgia clearly has no speed limit or scruples for that matter.

inflation tap-danced like a drunk Jerry Lewis across grocery bills, and CNN featured Mark Zuckerberg promising AI will “enhance human connection,” while unplugging his wife

And just to sprinkle some more reality on the popcorn, the American Heart Association, World Health Organization, CDC, and U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy all chimed in to remind us that chronic stress, burnout, lack of sleep, and constant screen time are quietly wrecking our health, they don’t say, the message was delivered while most of us were nodded along half asleep and partially drooling, while we doomscrolled, and reached for another slice of a double cheese and bacon for all you vegans out there. Their advice? Sleep more, stress less, move your body, and log off occasionally, which landed about as well as telling Marvel fans there’s no post-credit scene while showing a post credit scene. Same world, new episode, extra salt no pepper, and somehow… we’ll tune in again tomorrow when we get more familiar, popular, and absolutely delicious and talk about Netflix’s highly buzzed film Sinners leads nominations, and free streaming options are popping up like kernels in a hot pan and behind bar!.