The Prestige of Portions, Power and Bladder Control

(NNTN) – Not Necessarily The News, where reality is gently stirred and served up hot enough to burn the roof of your mouth.

🌎 In politics & power, things got back to normal by being weird again (so… normal). Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen again warned that Americans are feeling “economically anxious” and asked if they have not tried looking checking their bank apps? which maybe code speak for look for that imaginary stimulus checks it’s in the mail, wink. Financial experts then forecasted that doing math in the grocery aisle will become the new norm as bacon prices began to soar. Meanwhile, French President François Bayrou (yes, new guy energy) promised fiscal responsibility, a phrase last heard during the pilot episode of Mind Your Damn Business and sounds bold yet impressive until you remember Succession taught us rich people say that right before buying another multimillion-dollar yacht. Over in Silicon Valley things were not looking good, Sam Altman was spotted talking about “AI alignment,” at the Midas brake shop which may sound reassuring to some until your toaster starts interrogating you on your non gluten free bread options between toasting sessions. Markets reacted by doing what they do best: absolutely nothing, but nervously switching to ordering from Whole Foods.

Sam Altman was spotted talking about “AI alignment,” at the Midas brake shop which may sound reassuring to some until your toaster starts interrogating you on your non gluten free bread options between toasting sessions.

🎯 In tech & culture, streaming platforms announced new price tiers that somehow cost more while offering less, a move analysts are calling “bold” and viewers are calling “piracy-adjacent.” Taylor Swift did not release an album this week, which alone caused mild tremors on social media, and Swifties to spiral harder than the ending of Lost, meanwhile Christopher Nolan will be reminding everyone that movies should be seen and experienced in theaters—preferably three hours long allowing for simultaneous testing of the limits and endurance of the human bladder, all while the people behind you gorge on popcorn loud enough to rattle you in your seat. TikTok trends make as much sense as a now a pizza delivery ad that states “30 minutes or it’s free”, but when it arrives last roughly as long as a fresh pizza slice at a writers’ room table, or a pack of hungry piranhas devouring a fresh cut of beef which is maxing out at about nine seconds currently.

Finally, in science, money, and vibes, economists at the OECD suggested global productivity could improve if people started smoking cigars and drinking scotch this would lead to them feeling less burned out, a recommendation workers received while replying to emails at 11:47 p.m. on their third cup of coffee shuffling around aimlessly like background extras in The Walking Dead. Climate researchers quietly noted January weather is still “not normal,” while big brands and restaurants, not to name drop, WalMart, McDonald’s rolled out “value-sized” products that are visibly smaller even to Stevie Wonder, taste artificial, ask Shark Man, look plasticky, made in China, then prepackaged and delivered by AI drones, like a magic trick no one asked for cue up the Prestige. As always, experts can always agree on one thing or at least we can: grab a slice, pass the popcorn, and remember—this may not be the news, but it’s definitely what it feels like. 🍕🍿